I was raised to think that you couldn’t have both love and money. A woman could marry for money. Or she could marry for love. I was also taught that a woman could be a housewife and raise great kids, giving up her career for her family. Or she could choose to not have kids and pursue a great career, or have someone else raise her (rotten) kids. I heard this from a number of sources and it was reinforced by social norms. It was what I expected to find.

Then I heard about and started to see something else happening. A woman could choose to do it all. It was a banner to be waived, do it all, have it all. But then we would see her literally do it all. She would become the primary breadwinner. She would become the primary caregiver to the kids, if there were any. She would still maintain all of the responsibilities around the home. And she would be overworked, overwhelmed and miserable in trying to have it all.

I consciously chose not to have children because I was not going to be overwhelmed and miserable in trying to have it all. I didn’t realize that it didn’t matter that I didn’t have the kids because I still had the mindset that said I had to do it all. So I thought and acted as though it was indeed true that I had to do it all.

I became more and more involved at work as my career took off. I loved it. I was being chosen on a regular, even daily, basis. I was being singled out as the go-to. I was being selected from the many to do all of the fill in the blank. They could count on me and I would deliver. And they did. And I did.

What I didn’t see happening is what was changing in me throughout this process. I was being indoctrinated to a way of thinking and doing. I was being reprogrammed to a set of behaviors that were ever so slowly and subtly taking me over. I do not blame the corporation. It is does its job. I do not blame myself because I didn’t know any better nor did I realize what was happening as it was happening.

But I finally woke up. It took me hitting rock bottom to do so, unfortunately, but I did wake up. And I realized that what I had been working so hard to be a part of was not congruent with who I really am. These values and principles of my company were not mine. This imbalance that was promoted and I willingly accepted had sucked nearly all of my yin energy. My creative, female, spiritual, grounded self was suffocated.

As a result, my relationship had suffered to the point of dying, my health had suffered to the point of chronic illness, and my emotional and mental state had suffered to the point of breaking.

What I needed was a major detox.

A total overhaul of my body, mind and spirit. What I needed was a system to remove all of the years of programming I had received and willingly albeit unwittingly accepted from corporate America and other sources. I had to rid myself of the ideas and actions that I had unconsciously installed. Then, with a clean slate, I could rebuild with the ideas and actions of my conscious choosing. Now I know I truly can have it all. This comes from knowing that I do not have to do it all by myself.

After years of this cleansing and rebuilding process, I knew I had to share my system. Thus, Love Starts with Me was born.

Years ago I told my husband that I resented the fact that I had to get up early and go to work and he could do as he pleased, never having appointments or early morning requirements. I told him that I was starting to resent him.

A few weeks later he told me that he hadn’t really understood what I meant so he looked up the word resentment in the dictionary. He then said surely you didn’t mean that. He was giving me a chance to take it back, essentially. I was smug. I thought well, yes I know what the word means, I cannot believe you don’t. And um, yeah, I kinda did mean it.

Well, I just now looked it up. Ha! The power in that word is immense. The emotion and bile in it is huge. Unfortunately, at the time, I did mean it. I realize now what was really happening but I didn’t have a clue then.

You see when you get to the point where your body, mind and spirit are crying out for self care and you continue to withhold it, your mind does some interesting things. It starts blaming someone else. Your amygdala says this is exactly like that time when I was three and I didn’t get my nap. That emotional feeling begins to build. The tantrum isn’t too far away. Your body starts grasping at straws to get you to stop, slow down and provide for it. Your old program starts looking at everyone around you in comparison and it starts judging them and what they are doing because that is much easier than looking inside. The old program is saying someone should be taking care of me, can’t they see it is past my naptime?!

The irony of this is that nobody, not your co-workers, not your mommy, not your daddy, not your boss, not your significant other, no one else is responsible for your self care. More importantly, they are not capable of your self-care. Only you can choose to do it and only you can actually provide and accept it. You are no longer three and it is your privilege and responsibility to take care of yourself.

So the next time you are feeling indignant or resentful of someone or the situation, take a look inside. The issue is not with what someone else is or isn’t doing. The issue is what you have forgotten. To take excellent care of yourself. You don’t need permission or an excuse. You are worth it.

It is so good to be back writing and sharing every day again with you lovelies! I really have missed it and you. It was good for me to take some time to get clear and recharge but it is so fabulous to be back.

This past couple of weeks has been a pretty big transition for me in many ways. You see, I have always been the planner. I have always been the one to get things organized and taken care of. At least from my view. I am usually quite good at it, especially the big important stuff that gets prioritized high on my list.

Now I have a team. Now I have folks who I am paying to help me. So communication is imperative.   And regular check-ins to make sure that everyone shares the same perspective and goals. This does not usually occur naturally, by the way, ladies. It certainly can, and when it does, it is magnificent and brings flow like mad. It also spoils us somewhat, for when we don’t have it we assume we do and that can just cause trouble. No trouble that communication and lovingkindness cannot trump. (Okay, note to Word and the WORLD, lovingkindness is the most awesome word and is one word, not misspelled, please add to your dictionary and to-do list.)

So, I am working through those challenges with my awesome new team and also got another opportunity to practice, ehem, learn the lesson, with my beloved.   We have been discussing a certain trip for my birthday. I, being the planner, went ahead and did some research and well, booked it. We had talked about it and I figured I would save him some time and trouble.

This was a mistake. You see, I see him doing more and more for me and taking charge in new ways. He does so much in so many ways and it is wonderful! But instead of relaxing and allowing it to continue, I jumped in and cut off his opportunity to do this trip for me. I thought I was helping but really, I was disrespecting him and showing distrust by going ahead and doing it myself. That is not what my head was telling me but that is what the action showed. Of course, my benevolent king understands me too well now to let it faze him. But he also was kind and smart enough to gently point out how he was disappointed that I preempted his plan.

Wow! How exciting is that? We have created such a loving and safe environment that we can share with one another and learn from it, continually growing and getting closer the whole way!

Just as in the corporate world, with our vendors, with our team members, with our employees and peers, we empower them or squash their contributions through our actions and words. So it is, too, with our partners. When we create a safe environment, we can have open discussions. A safe environment can only be created when we are safe in our own self-worth – when we love and respect ourselves. Only then are we able to listen without defensiveness, to offer suggestions without ordering or offending, to ask for help without guilt or shame or unworthiness or anything but a confident assurance and empowerment for all.

I am back! For those of you who have been wondering where I disappeared to and what happened, I thank you for missing me. I also thank you for your patience as I worked and reworked this.

Some of you know some of my story and most of you know where I am now. I am a Transformational Love Coach specializing in relationships. Yes, that last part is something I haven’t specified before now. Sometimes the most obvious thing to others hides in our blind spot. I enjoy an amazing relationship with my soul mate and love of my life. We are a team, we have created a real union and we complement each other so very well.

Over the last few years, I have coached women across the US, Canada and even Puerto Rico. The success and transformation these ladies have had has been phenomenal. I am blessed to be a part of it.

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Hello, my beautiful, powerful friends! I am checking in as I know that I have missed a full week of my guide, my love letter to you. Not to fear, my lovelies, big doings afoot!

I have been working overtime behind the scenes revamping and revising, getting clear on a few things. I am not quite ready to reveal those things but boy, will they be worth it!

I am so excited I am ready to burst…but not until my ducks are all in a row. They are lining up now, even as we speak. So thank you for your patience and please stay tuned for next week’s big announcement! It won’t be long now!

It is impossible to be truly, consistently, genuinely happy in your life if you are unhappy with yourself. – Me

That is the secret. The way to do that, in my experience, is what I mentioned yesterday about tuning your receiver to love and allowing and accepting it in. That is the secret behind the secret.

When you fall madly in love with yourself in a good healthy, real way – in an agape love, then you can love everyone with that same agape love.

You have no need to judge others. You have no need to judge yourself by others’ standards. You have nothing to defend or protect from the judgment of others. You have no need to prove that your way is right. You have no need or desire to control anyone but yourself through your own thoughts and actions. You have nothing to lose by being fully you. You have nothing to hide.

You choose love over fear.

You realize and live by the knowledge that nothing anyone does or says can diminish you in any way.

You are probably saying yeah, but…and thinking of exceptions to this. This is how our fear-based brain works. It will highlight for us all of the exceptions, the rare cases in order to protect its current view. But he’s my boss I can’t be real with him; but you don’t know what they say; but you aren’t including criminals or real injustice; but what about everyone trying to take from me? You can fill in your own objections here.

And continue to live as you do now. And that’s okay, your choice.

Or you can join those of us who are creating the life we love with our highest thoughts and actions. What you focus on grows. Focus on love and respect and prepare for an outpouring of the same back on you.

Yesterday, we learned that receiving and allowing Love in our lives is really the key to improving our own life and the lives of everyone we encounter. I do not mean a little. I mean dramatically.

When we start to love ourselves, everything changes. This is a process and we are never “there.” That may sound defeating, as we are taught that we must “get there,” but it is not intended to be. It is intended to excite you even more. For love is never ending. There is no bottom. There is no top. There is always more. And it is always “here.” We see and feel more of it every day as we open ourselves to it and tune our receivers to it.

Our lives get better and better EVERY SINGLE DAY as we grow in this awareness and acceptance and gratitude.

So what are the practical steps in just allowing and receiving? How do we get the ball rolling so to speak? Well, there are millions of ways to experience this love. They all start with these two steps.

1) The first thing is awareness, which you now have because I shared it with you. Know that love is there for you and that you are equally worthy to receive it.
2) Now it is your turn to make a decision to accept it. To surrender and allow it in.

Surrender? What? Me? Never!

Well, yes that is where a lot of us got stuck. Surrender is not giving up power. Surrender is not quitting. Surrender is allowing and accepting. We have been resisting what is already there. It is this resistance that causes us pain. Love is all around us. When we surrender and make a real choice to receive the love – wowee wow do we receive!

We will talk more here tomorrow…

So what is the message that is just for you? What is this secret that once you know it and receive it fully – actively embracing it, will change the world, your relationships, your job, your outlook, your state of mind, your whole understanding of everything?

Love starts with you.

Say it with me. “Love starts with me.” That is the name of my website because it is the truth that has eluded us our whole lives.

Having the life you love starts with you.

You are wonderfully and exceptionally made. You are created in a unique and perfect form. There were no mistakes made on you as you were formed. Only living in this world has corrupted our understanding and expression of that perfect form.

Open your heart. Tune your receiver, your mind, to things above. Accept God’s love as if it was the oxygen mask on an airliner going down. Put your mask on first. Now, you have the ability to help others around you, to share the love that you have in abundance. It all starts with you. Right now. Today.