We are coming to the end of another calendar year. It is a time of great celebration and thanksgiving for all of the blessings we have received and given over the last year. I love Thanksgiving. I also believe that every day is Thanksgiving. Not the eating vast quantities of comfort foods part, but the actual stopping to live in gratitude of everything we have.

I wasn’t always so happy this time of year. In fact, I was often anxious and busier than ever, working to close the year out strong. I was working day and night, holidays or not, to get business in the door. No vacation for me. I couldn’t spare it. I would work late on Christmas Eve and early the day after Christmas. I would have worked on Christmas Day if anyone had been willing to negotiate on that day, too. No stopping, no breathing and very little, I felt, to be thankful for, except the closed deal.

Maybe that is where you are right now. Maybe you are on the full court press as we wind up the year and the stress and anxiety are building and your energy is dwindling. Maybe you are not sleeping, so you have another nightcap to relax and an extra cup of coffee or an energy drink to help you power through the day. Sundays are the worst. That tension begins to build in your stomach, in your shoulders, in your throat. Work tomorrow and so much to get done, much of it out of your direct control. You were so fried on Friday that you decided to power it down and pick it up over the weekend. You stayed up late trying to relax and claim your freedom while you could and then you tried to sleep as late as you could to catch up.

That didn’t work so well. You put off that work from Friday and now it is Sunday evening. Ugh, how you dread doing it. How you resent that your weekends are not even weekends anymore. You really only have Saturday, and even then thoughts of work keep creeping in. You wonder to yourself, how much longer? How much longer will it be like this and when will I see the light at the end of the tunnel? That becomes too scary a thought so you start thinking in shorter and shorter terms. How do I get through this quarter, this season, this week, this day, this hour, or like I was, this next 30 minutes? Dear God, help me out of this! There has to be a better way!

Thank God that there is a much better way. Gratitude is a major part of that as part of the lovingME lifestyle. Thank God my prayer was answered and that now I also help guide others to find their better way. Thank God that my life is nothing like that treadmill I was on and I now live in peace, joy and gratitude, perhaps not every single moment of every single day, but pretty close. I am blessed. And I am full of thanksgiving.

I was speaking with someone today who said well, we have no choice. The situation at hand is that something we believe we desire comes with some rather rigid requirements that are being imposed to get that which is desired. Many might say that those constraints, the hoops that are placed in front of us, are unreasonable and unnecessary. Some may say that those hoops are simply a sample of what acquiring the object of desire might end up costing long-term in the event that it is acquired. Others may say that they are merely a rite of passage and a way to earn what is desired.

Either way, there is choice in the matter. But only if we are aware and dispassionate enough to step outside and look at the options. We could proceed, full speed ahead, believing we have no choice but to play the game as defined. We could refuse to be lemmings to someone else’s agenda and walk away. We could choose what we will believe about the object of desire and assign a worthiness scale to it to help determine our path. We also could look at the ramifications of each path. Ideally we look at it from a neutral third party view and play out each scenario to its logical conclusion and then make an informed and unemotional decision and commit to that decision and the resulting beliefs that support that decision.

Wow is that heady. Fortunately, it is how I think now. Okay, we are going to proceed with something that I can see going badly, but I can decide and commit to do it anyway to honor the wishes of the team and because of the learning experience for me and the others involved. Because I can be and am dispassionate about the object of desire, I will be grateful no matter how it goes. I will be thankful to have my theory disproven for I will definitely learn from that, or to have it hold and have it be a teaching moment for all.

One other possibility and the one that I choose is to walk in eyes wide open. To guard against my preconceived notions as much as possible lest they taint the outcome in some way. To believe for the best. And to stay true to myself, my team and our long-term goals throughout. I will promote and encourage a collaborative effort now and going forward and engage the individuals involved. I am not available to be swept up in someone else’s process that is contrary to my own self-respect and life agenda. However, I am available for continued learning and teaching how to have excellent outcomes in a non-adversarial, respectful and loving way. That is the lovingMEway.

Several years back, I decided to ask my husband to move out. I was tired of my life and he was the closest to me so I blamed him. If only he would change, then I would feel happy and fulfilled. I was stuck in this rut of work, work out, vacation but with little or no purpose. I knew something had to change. I was suffocating. I was bored. I was trapped.

Once he moved out, it got worse. So I dialed up the things I had been doing to cope, to feel alive. The workouts became more frequent and even more extreme, the partying did, too. My work held even higher importance and the flirting and approval seeking also intensified as did the bitch sessions about work and men and all manner of self-important drivel. Everything I was doing left me even more empty-feeling than before. I knew that something had to change. Soon, it did, for I hit rock bottom.

Oh glorious day! I am so very grateful for that occurring. Now, of course. Back then I didn’t know how I would ever get through it. I felt such intense physical, mental and emotional anguish and pain. I had no idea that one could hurt so desperately on every level. It was as if my whole world came crashing down in a manner of weeks. I started losing deals I should have gotten and deals I had gotten, I lost in contracting. That was a crushing blow because I had been so focused on work and performance. I felt more alone and isolated than I have ever felt and I had lost my best friend, my husband. I had a mammogram and they wanted to do further testing. I wanted to celebrate the clear results with my husband but he was on a date with someone else. I had asked him for a divorce, after all, but I didn’t think it through. I was alone. And I didn’t like the person whose company I was sharing. She wasn’t me. And I finally realized how much so. How had I gotten here? More importantly, how do I get out?

The long dig back out took a number of years, but oh what I have learned! At the bottom, I was a blob of naked jello, for my entire shell – my façade- painstakingly built over decades, was gone. Part of me was glad of that because I didn’t like what I had become. I had to be completely rebuilt. At first I wanted to throw out any and all of the old because of where it had gotten me. After a year or so of that I began to realize who I really am and that a lot of that “old me” was actually pretty amazing.

Integrating the better parts of old and new has taken much time and tweaking but I am finally whole. I am happy and excited like never before. I see things differently, I have energy I never had, I have focus and direction and true joy in ways and at levels I had never known before. And it is sustained because it has little or nothing to do with my current circumstances or situation. I chose this. I continue to choose this. I can show you how to choose it, too.

I got the call yesterday afternoon. I had been waiting for it for over a week, actually. My mammogram was inconclusive. They need me to come in for a sonogram. I asked whilst getting the mammogram why I couldn’t just do the sono, because I had to last time. Well, the mammogram is still the best means of detection and we need that first, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I get it. My insurance won’t pay for the sono without the mammo. Perhaps they do need them both to properly see, but if you can’t see on the mammogram, what is the point? Why not do them both at the same time, at the very least? Why cause undue trips and time and anxiety? Well, because that is the way it is done.

Lots of learning in that little encounter. Just because that is the way it has been done, doesn’t mean it is the way it should be done. And even just because that is how we get paid doesn’t mean that it is the way that it should be done. My goal is to run my life and my business another way. A way that makes sense and a way that is most helpful to my clients. I am not naïve enough to think that it will always be ideal for my client, but I do what I can to make it more so.

The other learning opportunity here is much more personal. It is an opportunity for me to practice what I preach, what I teach. I get nearly a week, as I surf the unknown waiting for my sonogram, to practice real mental hygiene. My freddy (that is the voice of fear, doubt, old programming) is telling me that it is awful, the worst is here. He says that it is terminal and that it will be a painful mess. And what about those left behind?

Okay, freddy, calm down, honey. It is what it is. And what it is right this moment is that we don’t know. Why would we waste today inviting trouble for tomorrow? No, we have come too far for that. No matter what we will get through it. We are courageous and strong and will persevere. And we will enjoy the heck out of today for it is glorious!

I have shared that several years back I had put everything I had into my job, my deals, the high of getting the deal and being the superstar. I got completely caught up in that big, powerful pendulum of success – the paradigm that says you do what it takes and then you get the client and then your life is good because you are a part of that pendulum. The pendulum keeps moving higher and now you are part of it and you are swinging wildly, loving it all. Until it swings back. The higher it goes up the lower it swings down.

I woke up and realized this was not me. I decided to get off. So I did. But I hadn’t left the area where the pendulum swings and I hadn’t quite learned the principles or timing of the pendulum. So when it continued to swing, I was on the ground, thinking I could simply stop playing. And I got clobbered. So I moved a bit, found a slightly different pendulum and again decided not to get on it, standing firm on my own ground. Again, very soon I got clobbered.

It took 7 months to find another pendulum that I thought would work better. I knew, even at the time, that it wasn’t as good of a pendulum as the one I had just experienced but by this time, I had to get back in the game. I settled. I tried to actually get on the pendulum. But the pendulum knew. It knew my heart wasn’t in it. It knew that my approach was half-hearted and half-assed. So again, I was released, but this time was easier. It was better. I was relieved and ready to step off of it and onto yet another. So I did, I rode one straight into another without skipping a beat.

My current pendulum is different. It is much better suited for me now and more flexible and forgiving. It is much kinder and gentler. But it is still a pendulum. I have to remember that and I do. I am aware. This time, I know that I will leave this whole arena soon and step to a whole new category of pendulum, that of the self employed.

This time, I know the pendulum and its tricks. I know its timing. I know and see it for what it is. It is neither bad nor good. It simply is. It keeps swinging, doing its thing. I can get on and I can get off at will. Or better yet, I can do my thing, provide as much value to as many as I can and step out of its way when it comes down and let it swing right by. I must do the same when it comes to swing ever higher. I must resist the urge to get comfortable on it during the powerful upswing, lest I forget my long-term goal. No, I am here. I am giving all I can. But I choose to no longer get swept up by anyone else’s set of beliefs, values or agenda, which is what the pendulum is at its core. Today, I have my own roadmap. I build my own momentum and help others to do the same.

I was speaking with a client recently and she told me that she needed to get out of something that she had tacitly agreed to do. She offered to do some work because she is a wonderful, loving, caring and giving person. She completed that work and because she had done it previously, she was volunteered to do more work but this time no one asked. It just landed on her doorstep, uninvited and unannounced. She was going to go ahead and do it but the resentment was building.

This lady is absolutely amazing! Her plate is quite full already as a mom with two kids, a husband a few states away, a full time job, 10 pets, and a huge home to manage. She still takes time to hand-make treats each holiday for her kids’ classes, craft detailed, impressive Halloween costumes from just a picture and generally keep all things running smoothly. Her life makes me tired just thinking about it.

In doing the lovingME work, she realizes now that she is worth more. She is really beginning to see what the rest of us see in her. So, she is no longer available to be dumped upon. She now reserves her time and attention for people who respect her and treat her with kindness and love just as she treats herself. That is huge growth and I am beaming with pride for her. Now comes the even greater learning experience. How can she speak with those who volunteered her in a loving and respectful way, letting all anger and resentment fall away, and simply state her position that they will need to find other arrangements?

Coming from a place of self-respect and acceptance, rather than anger, fear or resentment, she can have an adult conversation stating the facts as she sees them while being willing to listen. It won’t be easy because it is not the usual. We traditionally are not taught to do this, what I call clarification instead of confrontation. We have often needed to have that anger or resentment build to such a level that we are finally so empowered by it that we speak up from that place. That is not what will happen here, because her love and respect for herself is where the conversation originates this time. She will speak to them in soft tones, acknowledge their needs, acknowledge her part in the confusion and then gently state her truth and allow them to respond as they will. I am sure that it will go better than any of them ever could have imagined and that they will learn from her wonderful example, but what a victory no matter their response. I am beaming with pride for her! And this is why I do what I do.

Timing is everything, they say. To everything there is a season. All in good time, my pretty. That last one, of course, coming straight from the Wicked Witch’s mouth. And sometimes we feel like it all is. We want what we want and we want it now! We live in an age where we can have so much now. Maybe a couple days, tops. If we need information, we google it. If we need connection, we text in the middle of our boring meeting at work. If we need a new book, we download it instantly. If we need food, we microwave something or go through the drive-through.

I love speed. I love to do things fast and get them done. I love to be efficient, orderly and productive. Ideally, I move through my to-do list in short order. I love to get things done in record time. And there is a whole lot of benefit to that, for sure.

But there is a drawback, too. Several, actually. Trying to speed some things up is an exercise in futility. For everything there is a gestation period. Today is a great day. If I don’t acknowledge that and revel in it, I may miss it trying to get to tomorrow. I am where I am in every facet of my life. My projects are where they are. My book is where it is. The repairs on my husband’s studio are where they are. The contracts I am working are where they are. I impact what I can and I take a moment to consciously, and that is the key word, enjoy the ride. There is joy even in waiting, if we choose it. There is joy in this moment if we simply look with joyful eyes. Where I am is a very good place, indeed.

One of the most powerful things that I am learning is that I can impact the world. What I believe, think, say and do influences those around me to a great degree. I can choose to be, as Maya Angelou says, the rainbow in someone else’s cloud or I can be the cloud in someone else’s rainbow. Which feels better to me? Which is more helpful for everyone?

Pollyanna is my nickname. Or Jiminy Cricket. I actually like both. I wasn’t always this way, not by a long shot. If anything, I was the cynic who would tell you that won’t work and here is why. Worse, I may not have said it to your face but thought it or said it as we parted. Thank God that has changed! I believe we need both in our lives in their proper place and time but as a general rule, give me Jiminy most every time. The cynic gets very little done.

How did I change my perspective and thus my life? Well, it started with awareness and lots of prayer. Knowing that I needed to change, I moved to surrender and then I spent literally thousands of hours of study in a relatively short span of time. What I learned in the process, some of it relearning at a deeper level, changed my whole way of thinking, speaking and living. Now it is natural for me to look for the good in everything, to have gratitude for the learning that comes from the setbacks, and to speak to others to help them see another side of their situation. I am no longer the caring angry friend, to borrow one of my mentor Larry Bilotta’s phrases, to those who come to me to jump on their pity party bandwagon. Or to be outraged at the injustice heaped upon them as part of their own doing. That may sound harsh but the reality is that it is the most lovingME way there is. To own my part in every situation and to take my growth opportunity from it. To not be a victim because I choose to see things differently. As Victor Frankl showed, there is no way anyone can take my perspective from me. My perspective is always of my own thinking.

I suppose I still have remnants of the cynic’s take that everything is my fault and the Pollyanna view that it is all good. These views actually work well together. I control what I can, which, with awareness, is me. When I do that, I am moving forward in freedom. Now I help others to do the same in their lives.

“Don’t forget to put out the trash.” “Don’t trip on that.” “Don’t catch the flu that’s going around.” “You kill me.” “Oh I am terrible at” fill in the blank.

Every day we hear or say things like this. Knowing what I know now, I cringe when I hear it. Why? Because of how our subconscious minds work. Our subconscious mind isn’t really into the “don’t” or the sarcasm, joke or attempt at being humble. It hears what it hears.

Test it now. Don’t think of a rainbow. No, I said don’t. It happens automatically in our subconscious even though we said don’t. How many times have you told yourself I need to stop thinking about that thing I didn’t do at work, my to-do list at home or the pain in my foot so that I can go to sleep. You consciously know that nothing can be done about it at the moment and dwelling on it does you no good. But the more you try not to think about those things the more that you do.

Our minds work this way. So when people say things they believe are innocent like don’t do this or that they always get sick, aren’t good at something, etc., they are not realizing that they are programming their subconscious to that thing. It can become self-fulfilling prophecy. You know that person who always talks about their ailments and seems to get worse all the time. That person who says to himself don’t forget and yet keeps forgetting.

Fortunately, not every single thought or thing that comes out of our mouths manifests in that moment. However, it is a good practice to reframe and reword what you think and say. Be safe. Be careful. Get well. I remember to put out the trash. It works. It is kinder and gentler in a lovingME way and it really does make a difference, particularly over time.

This idea of gratitude seems to be all around these days. There is a real movement to recognize and give thanks for some number of things each day. I believe it is one of the most powerful things you can do today, especially in the morning and especially in the moment or as close to it as you can. I no longer make a specific list, although it certainly helps to do that until you are in the habit. Once you are in the habit, it becomes second nature in many ways. I now move to see the good in everything. Because there is good in everything. It is all about the meaning we assign to it. I get better at it all the time because I practice getting better at it all the time. Starting the day with gratitude sets you up with the right attitude starting out and you are more likely to continue your day on a high(er) note.

Our programming from childhood tends to color everything in our lives, particularly if we are not conscious to it. Gratitude helps to set your mind on things above. To welcome and vibrate with what you would like more of is just smart. It is a way of habitually thinking that can change your entire perspective and even if circumstances don’t change, which they will, then you are still living in peace and joy. Yes, gratitude is that powerful if applied consistently.

When we allow our fear brain to see all the danger and bad in everything and keep us on high alert to those things, focused on them, then guess what? You get more of that. I think that is a natural law that works in two ways. Number one, when you give your subconscious a suggestion or belief, then it will hit on that whenever it sees it again. Your brain is constantly filtering through millions of data inputs every second. Our conscious minds cannot process all of that at once so the subconscious only serves up a small portion of those inputs for us at a time. It filters all the rest. So you see, if you start consciously looking for the good and giving thanks for it, the subconscious says ok let’s deliver more of this because this is relevant.

The second way is the highly touted and, in some circles controversial, Law of Attraction. There is science around the Law of Attraction and it seems to make sense but further, empirically I think we can all find evidence of it working in our lives. This is that what we think on, we will attract. So this is saying we actually draw these things into our lives energetically (where above you are really just noticing what is already there) because of the energy of our thoughts. So I actually receive something I had been thinking about, like a new contract or a cold or whatever it may be.

Some would say that these are really the same thing and perhaps they are. They definitely are a percentage of the time. We want something. We think about that thing. We then believe we will have it and so we start doing the actions to get it. We continue to learn about it and the subconscious and conscious goes to work figuring out how to bring it about, which brings more and better actions and steps toward getting it. And ultimately, it happens.
But I believe there is another layer of this that we don’t fully understand in which miracles happen. The more those miracles are acknowledged and received in gratitude, they happen more and more frequently. Try noticing the small miracles and giving thanks for them. See what happens.