One of the things that used to frustrate me the most about my husband, other than his natural happy go lucky charm and wisdom (the nerve!), was that he knew from the age of 12 what he wanted to do with his life. He knew from that young age what his calling was.

I see now that I was jealous that he had all of those qualities. I had picked him because he had what I wanted for myself. I had been attracted to that for sure. But over time as I went deeper into a corporate lifestyle, it just became something to resent. It became a mirror to what my life was lacking. I didn’t like where I was in comparison, so I blamed him.

I am not proud of that, but that is what happened. I understand that now. Once I learned this, it opened a lot of doors for me.

It helped me find a path to a solid, excellent marriage. And it helped me find out who I am and what I am here to do.

Both come together in my work here at Love Starts with Me. Now, I travel with my husband, help people and work from amazing places like this.

I am revealing more of the story and the secrets I learned in the process in my new free guide The Relationship I Love Starts with Me – 5 Simple Secrets to create the relationship you’ve been longing for. You can get a copy here.

In the next few days, I will share about how you can join me for the Free Two Week Companion Webinar series starting July 21. Stay tuned!

I hardly ever get sick. And when I do, it resolves very quickly. Today is one of those hardly ever days.

The great thing is that my beloved husband is there at the ready to take excellent care of me. He is there to go get the antibiotics and to cater to my every whiny whim (only whiny during infrequent times such as this). It is so healing. I am very blessed and grateful.

Tomorrow I will be much better, I know that. For today, I am going to allow my wonderful man to nurse me to health.

Do you have that kind of loving support? If not, you can learn more how to create it here.

I don’t really “do” the news. I do not read the news in the paper. I do not watch news on TV. I do not get a Yahoo feed. Some may say that this is not good because I should “stay informed.” Okay, that is their opinion and advice and I am sure there could be some truth in it. But this works for me for where I am today. I provide my service in my own way, as I am so led. If I have to make a decision, then I gather the pertinent information in order to do so. And if the story is big enough, I will hear about it.

So it has not escaped me the uproar over the recent rulings about marriage. I have heard both sides, in the periphery really because I haven’t taken the time to research it. I have no judgment on it. No real opinion. I have no skin in the game. I respect each person’s right to have their opinion and each person’s right to do what they see fit for their own life. But the whole subject does give me pause because of what I do.

It makes me wonder about all the brouhaha about something so sacred as marriage. It appears both “sides” of this agree that it is indeed sacred. One side would care to withhold it because it is sacred and the other side wants to be able to participate because it is sacred.

Ok that is great and now it is settled legally. Whew. Now how about the reality of marriage today in this country and beyond? What if we fought as hard for the individual marriage as we did for the collective? What if we put as much time and energy into helping people want to stay married after they actually get married?

What if there was as much focus, reflection and discussion over what is happening inside our own marriages as we have seen in looking outside? What if there was some of that outrage and cry of injustice of what we see happening (or not happening) in our own relationship?

We have the capability and responsibility to promote, protect and revolutionize our OWN marriage. We have an opportunity to redefine and reform our own marriage to a whole new level of loving, respectful, intimate union. A union that this world doesn’t see everyday. A union that is so out of the norm in its mutually supportive, life enhancing and happiness producing properties that this world deems it weird.

Talk about impactful. Talk about changing the tenor and momentum in this country and beyond. Talk about life-changing and world-changing.

Ok enough talk, let’s do.

Need a place to start? Get my new guide here.

Why is it that the most important subjects aren’t taught in school? The life subjects? I am not saying that reading, writing and arithmetic are not important. But if you have relationship skills, I mean really excellent relationship skills? You could certainly get by without them. Okay, perhaps that is going a bit far but I am passionate about this subject, in case you haven’t noticed. 😉

In this day, talking about the differences in the sexes is taboo. It is not Politically Correct. Well, I ain’t into politics anyway. So I am going to talk about it. I am going to keep talking about it.

Men and women are not the same. They are both equally worthy and both perfectly valuable but not the same. As much as society likes to put everyone in a blender and hit frappe, smoothing out and homogenizing everyone into the same mold, we’re just different. Thank God!

It is excellent that we are so different for we are complementary to one another. We can each bring our unique strengths to the table. Beautiful perfect harmony. Until we start blending. And unless we are aware of these differences and work with them, embrace them and optimize them, we are in for a world of hurt.

So let us celebrate the men in our lives. Let us refuse to jump on the bandwagon of downing and disrespecting them.

Our sitcoms portray them as helpless buffoons. We ask them to be soft, caring and vulnerable and then freak out when they do show that side of themselves. Think about it.

How can they win?

They can win when we take notice and begin to show them the honor and respect they deserve. Yes, they are different. Yes, it can sometimes be difficult to understand how they think. They win when we take the time to learn to do so. And so do we.

One of my friends recently asked me about what I do. She didn’t quite understand why people would pay money to have someone help them reach new levels in their relationship. They could do it on their own was her thinking. It was a great conversation and helped me to get more clarity.

People absolutely can, and ultimately must, do the steps on their own. That is why I love publishing my Good to Me Guide each weekday. To help my readers and myself, quite frankly, to stay in tune and thinking better thoughts and taking better actions.

However, the overwhelming evidence shows that most people will not do it on their own. At least not fully. We just aren’t going to get the same results on our own that we will with a coach.

That includes the most internally motivated of us. We are not wired to purposefully and regularly push ourselves past our comfort zone. Much less into the brand new territory where real growth is spurred.

Moreover, there are few people who have been taught, who really do know what to do to create a great relationship. This isn’t taught in school. It usually isn’t taught in families. And it isn’t even taught fully in churches or other such organizations. There hasn’t been a place to go to learn from someone who has actually done it herself.

I have and that is why it is such a strong calling for me to teach and coach others to create this as I have done for myself. You can get my new free guide here.

I recently began working out with a trainer again. It is absolutely amazing how much I have improved in four weeks.

That is what a coach does for you.

But I am not going to talk about that today. I am going to talk about how important it is for us to stay fit, healthy and attractive. So much depends on it, including the health of our relationship.

“Well, if he doesn’t love me skinny, fat, ugly or pretty then forget it!” True. However, I am not talking about him now.

Looking and feeling good contributes to success in all of your relationships. Including the one you have with you. If you aren’t giving your body the proper nourishment and movement, you are not treating yourself as well as you could. If you aren’t resting and playing and giving yourself lovingMe time, you are not loving yourself like you could.

If you are not loving yourself then you are not going to be as loving to anyone else. If you are down on yourself – any aspect of you, you cannot operate at your best. If you are not healthy and full of energy for your life, then everything else suffers including what you were put here to do.

And those closest to us, our partners, spouses, lovers bear the brunt of the inevitable frustration that ensues from that.

It will be subtle many times. We start pulling away. Not letting him touch us the same way. Not being as confident. We start feeling worse and worse about ourselves and about everything. Perhaps we even begin questioning his attraction to us because we secretly wonder how he could be attracted because we aren’t attracted to this cranky person we have become.

Be good to yourself. Love yourself a little more each day by doing what is best for your body, mind and spirit. Choose not to look at it as work or sacrifice but as the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Go slow and take incremental and additive steps. Praise yourself for each one you take. Give yourself what your body, mind and spirit cry out for. Love yourself enough to be fit, healthy and attractive. To you and for you. And the fact that he will love it is a bonus.

Today I realized that after all the time spent revamping and revising and building and tweaking, I ended up forgetting the most important part. I created the new free guide, Love Starts with Me – 5 Simple Secrets to creating the relationship you’ve been longing for.

Awesome!

New focus. New giveaway. Updated website. New Thank You page. New list. New post. Well, guess what we forgot? The actual guide!

My team and I went back and forth many times looking for the best look, the best description, make it pretty, make it interesting, blah, blah, blah. What we didn’t do was to make sure that the actual content, the thing that people are signing up to get, was actually being delivered. Turns out it wasn’t!

For those of you who opted in, my deepest most sincere apologies and that is not how we run our business here. My team is working on it and we will get it to you as soon as possible. But you gotta admit, it is kind of funny. We had some growing pains, overlooking the most important piece.

I am going to draw a parallel here to our relationships, as I do. 😉 How many times do we focus on all of the external stuff, the pretty stuff, the tough stuff, the frustrating stuff, working so hard to “get it right?” When all we really had to do was to focus on the basics, love and respect and doing what we said we would do.

Monday morning and back at the job after the long holiday weekend. I trust you had some wonderful relaxing fun with loved ones. Or did you? Did you make the most of your time with your partner, family and friends?

Or at some point during the weekend, did you slip out of enjoying the moment and into dread of returning to your job on Monday, into thoughts of work, into rumination about something that happened or has to happen or into entertainment mode without slowing to enjoy it?

Did that Sunday evening gloom come, perhaps harder than before because you had more time and distance from the things that are less than ideal for you?

Did you have a good time just spending quality time with yourself? With your spouse or partner? With your family and friends? Or were you rushing through it all? Were you present?

For those of us who are doers this can be a challenge and most of the time we are unaware of it. We are unaware of what we are doing as we are just doing.

As much as I speak presence and work on my awareness and connecting with the moment and those around me, I still found myself going back to old habits this weekend. My BFF and HBFF (that’s husband of BFF who is also BFF) came over on Saturday. I love to entertain but actually hadn’t done so in a while. With starting a business, that tends to take priority, which is fine for a time. I also like for things to be a certain way and for my guests to simply relax and enjoy.

I did much more prep than normal prior to my guests arriving but even still I found myself in the kitchen and in and out more than I would have liked. My BFF came in to find me several times as I was getting things cooking and coordinated. I realized that I was not present with her or anyone really. I had gone back into default close-off-and-get-it-done mode.

I am so grateful for her helping me see that.

It is a wake up call for me in several ways. I am glad that I am aware and can watch it even more and change it when I am ready. I do not beat myself up about this. I actually celebrate how far I have come to even notice it! To have done some work upfront to minimize the part I had to do once my guests were there – that is a big improvement for me!

My point in asking these questions is not to make you feel bad or “less than” if you look back and see that wow, yes, I missed the weekend because my mind had me somewhere else. No, my intent is simply to increase awareness. To introduce an alternative.

An alternative of actually living and enjoying and relaxing, being present in every moment. It is truly the best place to be!

It’s Independence Day! Here in the US, we celebrate today, July 4th as Independence Day, the day we declared our independence from the British Empire. I love this day and this celebration. I love to celebrate Independence!

I used to love to celebrate independence from needing anything from anyone else. I celebrated that I could take care of myself, thank you very much. And I can, sort of. And that is a great thing. But I no longer desire to be an island.

The independence I celebrate now is that of free thinking, acting and living. To be able to look at my life from a broader view. To be the observer of my life, with less emotion, to step outside and see what is really going on. To be able to see freddy (ego, inner critic, inner saboteur, old programming) more clearly and to know whether it is him suggesting things or if it is truly me.

The me that is pure spirit.

Once I began to recognize the distinct signature of freddy frequency (the negativity, blaming, judging, lack, fear and anxiety), I could spot him more quickly and I could step aside and let it pass. I get better and better at this as time goes by. I do not judge or fight the thoughts he gives me anymore. To do so would only give him more of what he likes – resistance. I simply notice them and then choose better ones.

Thoughts that serve me and others.

Thoughts that build up and not tear down.

Thoughts that promote, expand and embrace the abundance that is all around.

Thoughts that lead to actions of love, respect, kindness, gentleness and pure unadulterated joy.

For many years, I never asked anyone for anything. It was something I wore as a badge of honor. I got this! That was my mantra.

I was uncomfortable asking. I was even uncomfortable receiving most of the time. If someone cared to give me a gift or a compliment I thought oh you didn’t have to do that. Oh this? I got this shirt at Target for $5. Or whatever. Offer to open the door for me? Uh no thanks, let me open it for you!

This current flowed through all of my relationships. In my family, friendships, and work interactions. At work I had to ask people to do things for me sometimes, as this is the way business works. I couldn’t do my own commission reports, for example. I know. That I asked.

So in these cases, I would suddenly become a little child asking for a BIG favor. I felt guilty for having to request help and for adding to their burden. Especially when it wasn’t done on my timeframe and I had to ask repeatedly, which was often, or to my specifications, which also happened. A lot.

It happened a lot because of the energy I put out there in the apologizing and begging way I asked.

All of this reinforced in me the idea of better to do it myself. (Sometimes it truly is easier and better to do it yourself but know your reasons why and know what you are sacrificing when you do. Then make the conscious decision.)

This “I will do it myself” state of mind didn’t really preclude me from secretly wanting people to do things for me. Especially my husband. He should know what to do. He should know what I like and what I need today. Well if I have to tell him then forget it. He ought to know to do these things for me. Keep in mind that I had been operating from the “I will do it” mindset heretofore, brushing off previous offers or attempts to help.

So when it would come to blows and I would finally say something, it would be either a command or an intended guilt trip. I do all of this and it would be nice if I could get just a little help here. Ha! Let me mention that I did not realize at the time that I was doing this, of course. But I was. You might be, too. And then we wonder why it never changes. Hmmmm. We wonder why we don’t get the help we need.

Let me let you in on a little secret, sistahs. He cannot read your mind. No one can. That is right, NO ONE. Even those with whom you are closest cannot really know what you are thinking or requiring if you do not tell them.

It is easy to do. It doesn’t have to be filled with baggage and venom for all of the ways they have failed you, unbeknownst to them (well, he SHOULD know!). By the way, it really is unbeknownst to them because it has been filtered out by their brain (RAS). Our minds do not work the same way. I had trained my beloved to shut down and be very still and quiet and ride out this storm. It will blow over. It always blows over and then we are back to normal. Whew!

Anyway, it is easy. You just have to ask. Would you please…? From a place of love and respect and gentleness. From a place of calm and surrender. Yes, it is vulnerable and we do not like that. But this is intimacy and connection. It actually is the place of utmost power. Asking for and graciously accepting love in the form of help. When we love ourselves we can do this because we know that the answer doesn’t change who we are. It doesn’t change our intrinsic value, which we now realize is a constant.  Regardless of the answer.

And miraculously, I realized that my wonderful husband LOVES to help. He loves to do for me and to please me. Who knew?!

It is very similar at work. Asking and setting clear expectations up front, getting agreement from the beginning. Stating what is necessary and having all parties understand and commit to the plan. What a novel idea! And when, and I say when and not if because despite my being the eternal optimist, it is always a matter of when. When it doesn’t go to plan on something important to you, then you have the foundation for that further conversation. You now have a beautiful opportunity to speak calmly and confidently about what happened and how to correct it in the future, without attacking.

You have an opportunity to improve communication and understanding of the requirements and improve understanding and compassion for those involved.

No need for egos or hard feelings.

Now isn’t that better than suffering in silence or blowing up in frustration?